The proximal origin of covid conspiracies

Finally, covid truthers have a safe space to go online.

Last week’s post ended with an assertion:

When we put people in charge who spout conspiracy theories, sooner or later they’re going govern via conspiracy theory.

Thanks to an onslaught of profoundly uninteresting technical difficulties, this week’s planned post has been bumped to next week. But I don’t want to leave you with nothing, so allow me, if you will, to point you to some evidence in stark support of last week’s assertion.

Can the same piece of news be predictable and shocking? What follows puts that question to the test. And hey, maybe you’ve seen it already. But if not, I encourage you to open a new tab, type in covid.gov, and watch what happens. Don’t read the whole thing—instead come back and let’s run through it together.

…

So. Covid.gov now redirects to a covid conspiracy that lives on whitehouse.gov. Not whitehouse.wtf; not whitehouse.fuk; whitehouse.gov.

And it’s quite clear that this is not something some intern semi-randomly threw up there. This was designed by designers and written by writers. There were meetings. There was a review process. There were signoffs. This is high-level, brand-aligned messaging.

Care to join me in making some editorial observations (provided the irony hasn’t already beaten you senseless)?

1. With the way Trump’s jammed in there between LAB and LEAK, combined with how he’s on the move toward us, the implication is that he himself just walked out of the lab, dripping with Covid, and is marching our way. Either that or this is part of a promo package for a new low-budget cop show called Lab Leak about an aging detective whose partner was killed in—you guessed it—a lab leak. Also, why does Covid-19 look like it signed its name?

   

2. Publication … prompted … the word choices here kill me. As does leading with a subhead that says THE ORIGIN right below a subtitle that says THE TRUE ORIGINS OF. But don’t worry—the redundancies have only just begun.

   

3. Did you seriously just shrink your font to size 7 for no earthly reason? Or was it the result of a simple calculation, namely: if you’re going to make claims that lack evidence, tiny fonts are your friend..

   

4. Here is a map.

   

5. You literally just said this. Word for word. Right above the map.

   

6. Let’s pause a sec to appreciate that you—you—are calling for increased government regulations.

   

7. Pardons are the worst, aren’t they? So glad the dude who’s averaging 15 pardons per day over the first 90 days of his administration is standing up for principle in this matter.

   

8. If you came to whitehouse.gov in search of proof that Covid-19 was a leak that came from the Wuhan lab, look no further than this needlessly italicized and highlighted paragraph about how Andrew Cuomo may have said some questionable things to a subcommittee. What things, and what might they have to do with the titular LAB LEAK? Unclear. Who is Andrew Cuomo again? He used to be governor. Governor of Wuhan? No! New York. What, you’re not still outraged about how the state of New York mishandled covid in nursing homes five years ago?

   

9. This is a feature of many conspiracisms, but of the hooey spewed by Trump & his Trumpets in particular: accusing others of making the very accusations you are currently making against them. As a tactic, it’s both bold and breathtakingly obvious.

   Public health officials often mislead the American people through conflicting messaging,* knee-jerk reactions,** and a lack of transparency.***

   * Check.

   ** Check check.

   *** Check check check.

   Most egregiously, the federal government* demonized alternative treatments** and disfavored narratives***

   * You mean the federal government that the dude on your poster was in charge of when all this went down? The proximal origin article was published in early 2020 …

   ** The leader of said federal government stood in front of cameras and talked about drinking bleach. And shining light bulbs. And taking horse tranquilizers.

   *** Disfavored narratives?? Who are you, an English undergrad using big words to fancy up your shitty paper? Unbelievable. Unsurprising, yet also—somehow—unbelievable.

OK. I need to go lie down and face up to the fact that I absolutely could’ve finished part 2 of the emissions comms piece in the time I ended up spending on this. Cie la vie. See ya next week.