The feds are decapitating climate research
And doing so in the name of helping prevent climate anxiety???
Yesterday I was pretty far along with this week’s installment—part 2 of We need to talk about the way we talk about emissions—when I decided to check the headlines. And yes, you know it and I know it: that way lies danger. But it was no big deal! I wasn’t going to actually read any articles. I was merely going to scope the headlines. Just a taste.
That was all it took. Immediately, one headline jumped out:
I promptly texted a lifelong buddy—now a history professor and Cornell alum—asking what his alma mater did to deserve getting $1 billion in funds frozen. Was it all the birdcams? (They have a renowned collection of them.) All the footage of birds not getting killed by windmills? Maybe that was it. His response:
All those birds are trans.
Seemed as likely an explanation as any. Back to the headlines: a bit further down, I saw that the Commerce Department had announced that it was ending nearly $4 million in funding for climate change research. The moment I read the opening of said announcement, I knew I had to stop what I was doing and check the Climate Pants Index.* I needed it to tell me if I was going to have to set aside my draft and write about the horrors of the moment.
*Briefly, the way the Climate Pants Index work is this:
Remove the Climate Pants from their cedar-lined humidifier
Put on the Climate Pants
Go outside (for safety). Begin reading the material in question aloud
If the Climate Pants burst into flame, you’ve got yourself a full-blown Climate Messaging Emergency
And on this day, the CPI left no doubt.
Does it strike you as disproportionate to get all worked up about $4M in canceled climate research right after reading about $1.79B in suspended research funds? Me too. The strength of my reaction gave me pause. But there are a few factors in play here.
First, the suspended Cornell and Northwestern funds are in keeping with the same horseshit pattern happening at other universities—it’s a protection racket. Nice R1 doctoral university you got there . . . be a shame if something happened to it.
Second, the forced breakup between NOAA and Princeton is the slap in the face that confirms beyond a shadow what we already knew: they are coming for all things climate.
But the third reason I got so emergency-ey about it was a result of being gobsmacked by the hot-garbage writing in the press release from Commerce, which carries this headline:
Ending Cooperative Agreements’ Funding to Princeton University
Curious use of the possessive there, ain’t it? But don’t fret, the grammatical fuckery has only just begun.
And hey, maybe you’re a writer like me. Maybe not. Maybe your natural inclination is to find a borderline preposterous amount of subtext in the shitty writing of people you don’t care for. Maybe not. Regardless, to my eye, it’s impossible to encounter writing this horrifyingly, mind-fuckingly careless and not conclude that the assholes wrote it this way on purpose. The writing itself is proof they don’t care—but it’s also proof they want you to know they don’t care.
First sentence:
On Tuesday, April 8, 2025, U.S. Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick announced that nearly $4 million in funding is ending to Princeton University after a detailed, careful, and thorough review of the Department’s financial assistance programs against National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s (“NOAA”) current program objectives.
Oh, no doubt? The review was detailed, careful, and thorough? Well then. Color me interested, intrigued, and curious to hear more about why the hedge fund billionaire who’s been in charge of Commerce for a month is ending to Princeton and NOAA’s Cooperative Institute for Modeling the Earth System (CIMES).
In addition, the ending of these award programs will streamline and reduce the cost and size of the Federal Government, consistent with President Trump’s promise for his Administration.
Hold up. You’re starting the second sentence with In addition? Followed by the ending of? Forget for a sec about how unforgivably grammatically shitty it is to use the passive voice in announcing the unprompted execution of a valuable research partnership—for the second time in two sentences, no less—you’re not even using the passive voice correctly. If you start a sentence with In addition, the ending of, the only acceptable next words are the book/movie/show made me cry/laugh/accidentally fart.
But wait! We’re nowhere near done with sentence numero dos. Streamline and reduce is redundant with itself and with cost and size, which is also redundant with itself. The Federal Government is the federal government, and if you’re hoping Trump notices your Trumpian miscapitalizations, newsflash: dude doesn’t read. And, finally, you don’t promise for, you promise to.
Before we move on to sentences 3-6 of this horror show, let’s pause to let CIMES describe itself: “The Cooperative Institute for Modeling the Earth System is a collaboration between Princeton University and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Geophysical Fluid Dynamics Laboratory to carry out research in earth system sciences. Our vision [is to] be a world leader in understanding and predicting the earth system, across time scales from days to decades, and from the local to global spatial scales, with particular focus on extreme events, and integrating physical, chemical, and biological components.”
Heady stuff, right? Seeking to understand the systems of our home planet across time and space. I love it when descriptions of science smell like philosophy. Alas, such high-minded pursuits “are no longer in keeping with the Trump Administration’s priorities.”
This cooperative agreement promotes exaggerated and implausible climate threats, contributing to a phenomenon known as “climate anxiety,” which has increased significantly among America’s youth. Its focus on alarming climate scenarios fosters fear rather than rational, balanced discussion. Additionally, the use of federal funds to support these narratives, including educational initiatives aimed at K-12 students, is misaligned with the administration's priorities. NOAA will no longer fund these initiatives.
In turn:
Exaggerated and implausible climate threats? Dude. It’s fair to describe the underlying threat of climate change as turning the implausible into the plausible. Islands sinking. Mountains shrinking. The threats keep getting worse than ever, faster than ever, which has been known to cause a little something called . . .
Climate anxiety. So climate change is a hoax, but climate anxiety is real, to the point that you’re tracking the studies that are following its rise? The fuck you are. Fuck off.
Has increased significantly among America’s youth. Thank you for thinking of our youth. Our precious children.
Its focus on alarming climate scenarios fosters fear rather than rational, balanced discussion. Wait, are you still talking about climate anxiety?
Additionally, the use of federal funds to support these narratives . . . You mean the nonsense narratives you brought up for no reason?
Including educational initiatives aimed at K-12 students. Back to the children! Again: thank you. If I have to listen to one more news story about good kids whose lives are ruined by their local geophysical fluid dynamics laboratory . . .
NOAA will no longer fund these initiatives. The only sentence in the paragraph that’s actually, factually true. No doubt NOAA is thrilled to hear that this discerning choice has been made in their name.
The release continues, but that’s plenty to give you a taste.
When we put people in charge who spout conspiracy theories, sooner or later (sooner, as it turns out) they’re going to try and govern by conspiracy theory.