Musk doesn’t have a job title. Let's give him one.

Quick note: After a pair of warmup posts, CHAMP curled up and went into hibernation. But now the long winter is over, and we’re back with an arsenal of posts ready to be fired off on the weekly—along with bonus lighter fare here and there.

Let’s start by acknowledging that this edition of CHAMP—which is dedicated to determining the best possible shade to throw at Elon Musk—may not at first blush seem to pertain directly to climate. But indirectly? Hell yes it does. In a grandly tragic ironic twist, the dude who’s been described as having done more than anyone to advance EV adoption has now directed his muskovites to identify and abruptly terminate a range of federal grants (as well as reject grant applications) for mentioning terms like climate change and environmental justice.

Just as they’ve come for trans, for DEI, for CFPB, for FAA , for FEMA, for the IRS, for refugee camps, for tuberculosis clinics, for medical research, for NOAA, for USAID, for vaccination projects, for H.I.V. treatment programs, for malaria control, for public education, for Indian Country—so too have they come for climate.

Not only is Musk laying waste to systems and careers and lives, but he’s doing it for no salary and sans job title. Of course, no government salary doesn’t equate to no government money—in recent years, Tesla has made over 40% of its net from selling emissions credits to other automakers. But dude’s lack of job title jumps out at me just as much. If he doesn’t have a defined title, he doesn’t have a defined job. And if he doesn’t have a defined job, he can’t be fired.

So let’s close that loophole, shall we? Let’s work our way through a shortish list of job titles for Musk, discuss the pros and cons of each, and settle the matter.

JOB TITLE: Senior Vice Muskovite

The case for: Muscovite, in its old-school sense, means someone from Moscow/Russia. And Trump, according to Musk’s very own AI chatbot, is most likely a Russian asset. More tellingly, three former KGB agents independently say the same thing (with the delightful bonus info that Trump was given the codename Krasnov as far back as 1987). So even though Musk himself might not be the Russian asset, he’s at least asset adjacent.

The case against: Muskovite is actually a pitch-perfect way to refer to any of Musk’s sycophants, rather than Musk himself.

Side note: If you are, like me, a child of the Cold War, did you ever ever in a million years imagine that the warning the Russians are coming would pan out like this?

JOB TITLE: Executive Director of Unelected Oligarchs

The case for: Accuracy.

The case against: Too much accuracy? Hoo boy.

JOB TITLE: Writer & Director, A Man Apartheid

The case for: He has no shortage of Apartheid roots. (Back in the day, his grandfather returned his family to Apartheid-era South Africa from Canada because Canada—Canada—was too diverse.) But this title is about more than tying Musk to obsolete systems of institutional racism. It’s also about tying him to Vin Diesel’s 2003 vigilante thriller, A Man Apart.

Why would we want to do that, you might ask? To which I might reply, asking that question means you have not seen A Man Apart. And if not, please, don’t. Spare yourself. Instead, just read these real quotes from actual A Man Apart reviews that double as performance reviews for Musk:

“Pretentious, incompetent dumbassery.”

“If I hadn’t seen Traffic, this would still stink, but I wouldn’t know how badly.”

“Like something you’d find under the cushions of Steven Seagal’s couch.”

“Too obviously inspired by Scarface.”

The case against: The good part is the movie title, not the job title.

JOB TITLE: Senior Immigrant Against Immigrants

The case for: Dude’s a white nationalist who’s not from this nation. Which is roughly as logical as Trump’s nonstop shouting about immigrants when most of his wives are immigrants.

The case against: He’s not against all immigrants.

Example A: He loves to hire employees on H1B visas—not only do they come cheaper than the locals, they also won’t quit their jobs no matter how much you overwork them (because losing their job means losing their visa).

Example B: Himself.

JOB TITLE: Chief Nazi in Charge

The case for: Remember when Trump quoted Napoleon out of the blue? So many horrors have since unfolded that it feels like forever ago that he xweeted:

No quote marks, no attribution. Only two miscapitalizations, which, for Trump, is restraint. Now, you may have strong feelings about the president making a literally Napoleonic declaration. So did Musk, who felt so strongly that he rexweeted it with 14 American flags.

Are you familiar with the neo-Nazi slogan commonly known as the 14 words? Don’t worry—I'm not asking if you know the words themselves. Hell, I’ve made it a point not to memorize them. But, unsurprisingly for a Nazi slogan, the 14 words advocate ethnic cleansing to secure a future for white children.

Nazis: they're doing it for the children.

Just like the number 88, which is number-speak for Heil Hitler, the number 14 is a way for Nazis to identify themselves. (There’s also a second set of 14 words dedicated to preserving the purity of the white aryan vagina. (It’s perhaps worth noting here that I don’t happen to think it’s particularly important to draw a line between Nazi and neo-Nazi; the latter simply means not-dead Nazi.)) The 14 words were coined by white supremacist David Lane while he was serving a 190-year prison sentence for murdering Jewish radio host Alan Berg back in the 80s. Because of Lane, the number 14 has become a covert way for neo-Nazis to signal their ideology and identify each other online (and in person, in the form of tattoos).

But Mark, I hear you saying—Musk xweets roughly 25 hours a day. He is obsessively online. Maybe he just temporarily lost control of his emoji finger and 14 excited flags is what came out? And that’s technically not outside the realm of possibility—or wouldn’t be, if he hadn’t xweeted it at 14:14 military time. That’s three 14s in one short xweet. Three Nazi numbers wrapped around a Napoleon meme. Which is, if I have my math right, exactly as subtle as having “14/88” tattooed on the back of your shaved white head. Or giving the Nazi salute—twice—at the inauguration of a president who calls himself king.

The case against: When asked to picture the Chief Nazi in Charge, we all think of the same person. And it’s not Musk.

JOB TITLE: That Muskerfucker

The case for: It’s quite fun to say—especially in a faux-pirate accent:

“Aye, I can’t wait to lay me hands on dat Muskerfucker.”

Cons: Does polite company still exist? If yes, they might theoretically object.

JOB TITLE: Nose, Parfum de Musk Blanc

The case for: In the old-school world of perfumery, “nose”—or “nez,” as the French say—is the name for a perfumer, and musk is a foundational scent. Can you conjure the smell? In case not, it is, in a word, musky. Derived from a glandular secretion of male musk deer, it smells—perhaps unsurprisingly—strongly of animal funk. And it lingers, which makes it a valuable base ingredient. Some people are drawn to it; others repelled.

Musk is polarizing.

Eventually the male musk deer grew tired of being glandularly exploited, organized, and formed a union, which is why today’s musks are synthetic. There are many varieties, but the class of lighter synthetics are known as musc blanc.

The case against: Like all things French, it’s obscure and overly complicated. But what if we converted it to English?

JOB TITLE: White Musk

The case for: Something hangs in the air. It’s strong. So strong, in fact, that you fear you’ll never get the smell off you. But don’t resist; open your nostrils. There are layers to this stench. Let them permeate your senses. Do you catch an undercurrent of longing for racial purity? Sniff again—what else? Do you detect notes of clinical narcissism, with a hint of Faustian desperation? Of course you do. It’s all there. What you smell, friend, is White Musk.

The case against: Smells like tyranny.

Favorites

That Muskerfucker: Points for catchiness.

A Man Apartheid: As a nerd who’s endlessly tickled by wordplay, I’m a big fan of this one. (Confession: I strongly considered going with A Man A Plan Apartheid, but eventually pulled my head out of my palindrome-loving ass.) But it’s more of a declaration than a proper nickname.

White Musk: This is the winner, IMO. It’s short, memorable, and, while not overtly offensive, nonetheless connotes that the dude is as fixated on racial cleansing as he is on becoming the supreme overlord of the digital age.

And it’s so easy to implement! Even if you already have a piece Musk written and ready to go, all you need do is run a quick find and replace and voila: all mentions of Elon Musk become White Musk.

What’s your take?

Have you ever wanted your vote to really truly count? Trust me, Reader, here you are one of the elite few. So: please vote in the comments. And heck, if you’ve got a candidate to throw on the pile, I’d love to hear it.

Top secret climate song of the week*

*A TSCSOTW is a song that—quite independently of the songwriter’s intent—serves as an apt metaphor for the climate crisis.

When I first recognized Pompeii as a climate metaphor, I put on headphones, put it on repeat, went outside, and ran around punching the air like I’d just seen Rocky.